turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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