just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
