I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
