I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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