I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize