3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Randomize
