Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just found puke in my bra..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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