I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
