I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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