Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
