This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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