Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
