Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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