After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
