just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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