I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
