I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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