it was like his penis was on wheels.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize
