i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
