I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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