I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
