So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
