one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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