There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
