I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
