Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
