my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
