she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
