Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my shit smells like andre
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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