Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
