I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
