My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
