It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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