my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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