Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize