I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
