So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
