one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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