I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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