My balls are so social today.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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