Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
