just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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