wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
