I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
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