tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize