the condom got lost in my hair
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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