do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
