I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
