I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize