i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
