This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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