Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
