thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We got so high we made milksteak
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
