You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
