My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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