so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
