Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
